With You


Too pleasing till I had to think how brutal this world is.. Who to blame? The society which thinks age is a matter? or my spirit man who is saying no, this is wrong? None I paid my attention on.

On that cloudy evening at 7.00pm, holding his hand and passing by those beautifully lighted buildings was all I wanted, and wanted that moments more.. I didn’t want him to have anything rush at this hour, bearing in mind that his colleagues are waiting for him…

Few days ago, I was the girl who was shocked when he selfishly acknowledged me not even as a friend but to keep him safe, he showed his youth.. don’t he feel the same too? Then why must he grab my hand so tight, swinging in the air, and letting everyone to recognise us as the one for each other..? At times, he even waits silently, asking for a goodbye kiss or hug.. knowing it, I’ll walk away without turning back..

Why am I seeing him in everyone? That startles.. Creates a short butterflies feel in my tummy..

“Holding her hand is infinite… I know she is the one..,” I heard his heart, could be my own illusion.

”I want ice cream!”, I said, staring straight into his eyes, that evening in the office. We work together. He is the auditor, accountant and tax agent whereas I’m the new junior auditor.
It was my only excuse to have some lonely time with him and escape our work world which he is so much dedicated, He is a gem to our boss. He understood my statement. With smiles I insisted more… He agreed. At a shop below our office, I pointed at a Kit kat ice cream.. ”You like it, too?”he asked, wondering.. My inner voice screamed, I don’t know. But I remember you choosing Kit Kat of all the ice creams the other day.. This moment is so beautiful and I didn’t want to ruin it by choosing other.. Saying nothing, I pushed him to  the lonely walk side, he hold my hand.. ”I don’t want ice cream..I just wanted to be with you..,”I said.. His smile and dimple enlightened that moment even more.. He grabbed my hand even tighter and said, ”Lets go to 7-11.. You like slurpee don’t you….?” Back to a 7-year-old kid’s response, I shook my head saying, ”no..I don’t feel like having anything..not since I am already having flu…” He smiled again.. I adjured him to accompany me up to the train station which is just 10 minutes far from where we were.. Work to home is  a one hour or more journey for me.. Sometimes train to train, or train to train and to bus, and then, either I walk for 20 minutes or take a cab ride or, anyone from my family fetches me.. Being the youngest in my family, I never had a chance to drive the only car we have, which is being used by my sister. The culture in our family is that the younger ones will not get what the elder ones have, unless there’s anything extra or until it has been used enough by the elder ones. That applies to almost everything. Everything.

Without a second thought, he walked leading, and we walked.. Didn’t hold each other’s hand.. We talked.. Our conversation has always been beautiful.. We both were standing right at the lrt station’s entrance. Looking left, KLCC stood majestically.. Not wanting to say goodbye, knowing he has to go back to work, He asked, ”Are you sure you don’t want ice cream or anything to eat..?” I replied, ”Nope..I don’t feel like eating anything..but I feel like going into KLCC and just shop around..” Though I was more frighten thinking what if he heard my stomach’s grumble in hunger, or realise that I know how exactly the shops in twin tower looks like, and I have never bought anything in there and not anytime soon.. I  giggled at myself carefully.. There was something far more attractive for me to drive myself in that building..not those fancy expensive stuffs they sell there, not the crowd, not the partially hanging Christmas decoration, nothing was interesting in my eyes..but this person, the man beside me, he is making me to go the tower to be with him, beside him, close to him.. Standing outside, I was imagining that desirable future…

On another thought, I believe I would have said that very same phrase even if it is a deep dangerous jungle full of starving lions and crocodiles, ”I don’t want an ice cream, but all I want is to go that jungle with you..With you..Because it is you..”

Pointing at the tower, he asked for confirmation, ”you feel like going there?”
”Yes..”, my face glowed..
That dimple appeared again, ”Lets go..”
”But you have to go to work right? I mean isn’t it time?”
”Yeap..But I feel like going with you now..So, lets go..”

I stunned, staring at him. He has never wasted a single moment when he is loaded with bundle of work. Or maybe because he is the one who knows how to do everything in that office. He is the manager. To my surprise, this time he gave in for me.That’s something special.. We headed to the tower.. It is 6.20 now.. Our working hour is 9am to 6pm, but for him, he sets the time from 8am to 9pm… That’s how diligent he is.. That is the major reason why my boss, Sebastian loves him and even proclaim him as his offspring… Sebastion is a sentimental, spiritual and committed man of God. Married with two sons.

Every shop lots in the tower was at its place.. Just the way I saw a day ago.. We walked and our hands rubbed, then our shoulders, and he hold my hand.. Everytime his skin touches mine, a soft cold wind will strike me from top of the head to the tip of my toe.. I liked that breeze.. Truly, I liked whenever he accidentally rubs me or perhaps, purposely.. Deep inside, something is keep on alarming that this is not infinite and this is not good.. Again, I didn’t paid any attention to that call.. I like this moment.. He is with me.. Just the way the song goes, I’m on the top of the world looking down, and there’s only thing I found, Its the love that I found.. Just for me, the lyrics goes slightly different where the word love turns to him.. There we went to the park’s walkway.. Holding hand still, he started, ”I’m sorry…. I didn’t mean to hurt your hand.. Still painful?” I replied, ”painful yes..but it’s ok..just don’t beat hard anymore..don’t forget that I’m still a girl..” We laughed..I was 23 and he was 21.. It actually started when he playfully punched my back with his well-build hand – yes, he goes to gym, causing me a good pain on my right shoulder… I frowned for a few minutes and told him to pay back by buying me an ice cream..Obviously he didn’t agree for the first few times, until I had to frown again..

Then, here we are..looking at the water fountain, we sat enjoying our talks of future..properties,home, kids and so on.. spent almost forty minutes together, he walked me to the very same train station again… this time, underground..Still holding hands, I said, ”should have stayed longer in that park..I want to see how it looks like in the dark..” Truth is not to see the park, it is to be with him at that dawn..

”Lets go then..” he said with smiles while showing the way back to the park.. I’m melting.. again and again, that dimple tinkled…
”Hey..aren’t you late? I thought your boss and colleague are waiting for you..” I tapped him out of this love fantasy and exciting world.
”Well, I think my boss might be back to office.. maybe only now..and, I don’t mind..well I still gonna go back home at 10 tonight..” Loved his desire but I had to let him go.. I said, ”that’s alright..you better go now..”

Loved his desire but I had to let him go.. I said, ”that’s alright..you better go now..”

Our goodbyes have never been nice to write..
”Ladies first..” he said.. Our words, moves and actions will always be hanging in the air, we wont look into eyes to eyes anymore.. Will hugging stop our relationship? Will a friendly kiss stops the stars to twinkle? I don’t know.. Too late to ponder, too weird to react, I touched his tummy, draw closer to him and said straight to his eyes, ”goodbye, Arvind… see you tomorrow..” I was so close till I felt his breath..He smells so good.. That moment was so refreshing.. Without waiting for his response and without turning back..I left..

And that’s how it went..

”Virginia, I will drop you home tonight,” said Arvind to me while putting his black mug on his lips. Oh, I wonder how soft the mug would have felt.
”Are you sure?” I took a sip of mine raising my eyebrows.
”Yes..” he smiled..

This might be the fourth time Arvind drops me home, But this should be the last time for the year as I’ll be off to work for 10 days, it was 23rd December 2015..Christmas is in another one day time.. Our house is destined to be in opposite poles..Long journey, nevertheless, he loves to drop me home… Of all the other times, this home-dropping is something different.

Arvind locked the office door and hold my hand while walking to car park which only has lights on the yellow signboard written Park Safe. It was dark and it is a wide eight square kilometer empty land with no lights except for one or two lamppost at the corners and few numbers of cars parked as it was late for city office workers to be around. It was 9pm. Passed the signboard, we went silent. I felt his skin on me again, and  he pulled me near to him. This time, his hand is around my waist…I didn’t had any gut to push him away, that cold breeze passed thru my bones and made me weak, it was a kind of comfort I felt which I didn’t feel for so long, he smells so good, I felt his breath, I gazed at his smile, that dimple..I felt everything was right and I liked and wanted that moment even more… We were right under a tree. Passersby would have thought we are kissing, photographers would’ve thought a good shot, dreamers would’ve thought a romantic scene, but not a kiss, not a very long touch, neither a lingering dream took place. I rest my head on his chest. It was warm. I could hear his heartbeat, it was fast. I didn’t bother what others will think or even whether the car park owner will chase us out-we are in Asia. All I heard was a song. The same song, ‘Everything I want the world to be Is now comin’ true especially for me, And the reason is clear, it’s because you are here, You’re the nearest thing to Heaven that I’ve seen,.. I’m on the top of the world..’

Passersby would have thought we are kissing, photographers would’ve thought a good shot, dreamers would’ve thought a romantic scene

We sat in the car and these thoughts are ruling my mind. Am I in love again? Once bitten, twice is the shame..Am I ready for double the shame? Though my heart pounds for him, I still couldn’t cross the border. The promises I had with my Ever-love, My eldest sister, for the fight she fought and family, the times my friends stood by my side.. I don’t want the same cycle again.. I don’t know what to do now.. I’m stuck! What have I done? Should I just take the train now?

He is beside me..sitting quietly..I know this will end..and today was the beginning of the end..

Today was the beginning of the end..